My break earlier this year has given me time to examine myself and my actions, and I’ve noticed I’ve got a few nasty behavioral addictions that I want to break. So I thought I’d discuss things here – both to help myself better understand it by organizing my thoughts, and also to share my thoughts on the topic with anyone who may be looking for answers themself. I do want to stress, however, that what I am stating beyond this point are merely my views and opinions and I have neither rigorous education nor training in many of the topics I’m discussing. These are ideas I’ve developed based on my experiences, and I encourage you to take them with a grain of salt.
So what do I mean by addiction? Dictionary.com defines addiction as ““. And while that’s close, it is not as satisfying an answer as I’d like. When we’re talking about an action like this, I feel like its definition requires three parts: the action itself, the consequences (intended and otherwise), and the motivations behind the action.
I would define addiction as “compulsive behavior that negatively affects us”, to break it down to a simple form. This definition holds true for habitual drug use as much as for behavioral addictions like lying or sex addiction. The action is something we find ourselves unable to cease even though it hurts us in some way, shape, or form.
Now regarding the consequences of addiction, I’d describe them as twofold: physical and psychological. Addictions cause you to physically deteriorate, especially in the cases of substance addictions. But psychological and behavior addictions are also physically deteriorating. I believe this hold as true for things like anorexia and bulimia as well as for internet addictions (muscle atrophy) or lying addictions (via stress). As for the psychological end, the compulsive nature of addictions makes them invasive in our lives. You think about your addiction all the time. You may get up in the middle of the night to indulge it. You may talk about it incessantly. Slowly, addictions rise to prominence in our lives like dark and terrible stars. And we are limited in our days. We can only do so much. There are only twenty-four hours in each day. We do not have time to feed our addictions and also live meaningful lives. Attempting to do so leaves addicts exhausted and weary, which fuels further negative and destructive behavior. We start burning our candles at both ends – and that never ends well.
Finally, I want to explore and define what I mean for the motivations behind addiction – the “why do it?” In my experience, addictions are tied to stress and avoidance behavior. We do one thing to avoid something else. We drink or take drugs to numb pain or feelings of insecurity. We lie because we want people to like us rather than risk them disliking us. We spend all day on the internet or online games rather than job hunting or educating ourselves because we don’t believe in ourselves. Because life is hard. More than that, life is sometimes earth-shatteringly difficult. And it’s easier to deal with something we can face, even if it’s painful, to avoid addressing other issues. A familiar pain is more comforting than an unfamiliar pleasure.
So we do it once, and then again. Then we do it a third time. We do it every morning before breakfast, or every time we’re put in a compromising situation. It becomes a habit, a means of dealing with the stress and the strain. Eventually, we become so used to this pain that life without the crutch of that addiction becomes too terrible to bear.
So to go back to my original query: what is addiction? Addiction is:
A) A compulsive habit
B) with negative, pervasive physical and psychological repercussions
C) whose origin and triggers lie in avoidance behavior and stress relief
And while that is similar to the dictionary.com definition, I still like the depth added from the second and third points. Because I think all addictions are negative and pervasive with physical and psychological repercussions. Because I believe understanding where something comes from and what triggers behaviors enables us to understand how to overcome them. And in the spirit of understanding and overcoming, I want to use the next few paragraphs to discuss the addictions with which I’ve been struggling.
I have a gaming addiction. I play video games – all the time. When I was younger I scoffed at the idea of a gaming addiction, but these days it feels all too real.
I started a new job in April of 2014, and a new cellphone game at the same time. It was one of those types of games that gives you energy slowly over time, meaning you could maximize your progress with careful scheduling. And for the following six months, I arranged my life and my schedule around that game. It was the last thing I did before I went to bed and the first I did when I woke. I played it on every lunch break at work. I stayed up late playing it. I planned every “level-up” so that I could use the energy refill to its maximum efficiency. I played this while driving – on the highway. I would certainly call that compulsive and unsafe behavior.
And because I played so frequently, I did not engage in activities that physically benefitted me. I did not go to the gym. I did not go running, an activity I used to do three times a week. I did not even go on walks. I rarely went to yoga. I did not stretch when in the morning – I played my game. I spent my free time researching information to play the game more effectively. I looked up stronger characters and daydreamed about how having them would strengthen my gameplay. Because I played this game with such focused intensity, and treated my own health and needs with such indifference, I remained weak, if not weakened further. I believe this behavior contributed to me injuring my back twice in the span of four months. I know that spending my time focused on a game meant that I did not search for new job opportunities or teach myself new skills that could make me more marketable to employers. Playing this game kept me stuck in the same place for months, personally and professionally.
As for why I played it, it was easier to play that game than to work toward other goals. I knew I could make progress in this game if I worked hard at it, and life made no such promises. In the game, all the parameters were explained and spelled out in exhausting detail. I could deal with this. I understood this. And whatever I did not understand, I could research and find reliable information. It was not as terrifying as the real world. It was a small, safe sandbox to play in. It could not hurt me, or so I believed.
But I was wrong, and it did hurt me. As of the time of this writing, I have spent nearly ten months working at a part-time job that does not pay enough to cover my bills. My family has been giving me money to make ends meet. I have not done much job searching at all. I feel like I am un-employable, like no one does or will want me. I have no confidence in myself. What I have is an encyclopedic knowledge of a cellphone game and no faith in myself, and acting this way has crippled me while I struggled to stay afloat mentally, emotionally, socially, and financially. But the game is not evil – I was the one in the wrong. I was the one who used and misused it to cope with stress and avoid my problems.
And now I need to take care of it, my problems and myself. I feel like it’s all a matter of looking at the problems from the right perspective and utilizing the right resources in the right order to find the solution. So now for the big money questions: how do I develop positive coping behaviors and avoid having them become addictions? How do I turn my life around?
But that’s not a short answer, and I spent roughly a thousand words on it, so I’ll address that topic next time and leave you fine folks here – not with a “Goodbye” but with an “Until we meet again.”