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Gold efficiency

Today I’m going to write a post on a gaming topic, and how I think it is applicable in real life.

That topic is gold efficiency (also known as cost efficiency, or just simply the topic of efficiency).

Gold efficiency is a concept I’ve encountered primarily while playing the game League of Legends.  It compares an item’s purchase price in the in-game shop to the amount of gold that item is actually worth, based on the stats it provides.  Items that are considered “gold efficient” give a better return than other items with similar costs and stats.  Buying efficient items maximizes gold as a resource and allows players to gain an edge over opponents who do not purchase as efficiently.

So what does this all mean with respect to life outside video games?

The concept of gold efficiency works with the concept of “min/maxing” resources.  The jobs we work earn us money, which we then in turn spend.  If you look at tags in grocery stores, you may notice the price per volumes listed ($1.38/oz for example) and larger amounts of a product tend to cost less per volume.  So it’s more cost efficient to purchase food in bulk, provided you can use it all before any spoils.

I think about this concept with my writing, both the cost efficiency of individual posts and the value overall.

When people talk about online metrics, they often use the measure of something called “engagement”.  Engagement is the percentage of your total followers or subscribers that interact with content.  That percentage varies based on which social media platform we’re looking at, but the basic values I’ve heard are that 1% – 3% engagement is a good number.  I hit that consistently with the majority of my posts.

So where does the efficiency come in?

It comes down to time commitment.  If I spend an hour writing a poem (which is normal for a longer style), I get a return of 1% engagement.  But if I write a blog post (which can take two or three hours, or even longer), I still get the same 1% engagement.  In terms of efficiency, blogging doesn’t return an engagement equivalent to the time invested.  It’s less cost efficient with my time.

So what does that mean for me and my writing?

Well, it means I need to look at things differently.  I started writing blog posts as a means of practicing longer-style content, and many blog posts have 1000 or more words.  Some even have close to 2000 words.  That’s fulfilling my goal, but not in a way that’s efficient with my time.  I now spend so much time working on blog posts that I don’t work on other writing content.  I don’t write short stories or flash fiction because I’m spending so much time on the blog posts, and that frustrates me.

So I may start experimenting with shorter blog posts, or different styles of storytelling.  I’ve looked into options for recording audio, and while that’s not a method with which I have much experience, it could be a viable new option for storytelling.  The past few months have shown me that while blogging can be good, it’s not the be-all end-all solution to my writing needs.  I have to keep looking, and my writing will grow and be better for the journey.

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On Endings – The Neverending Story

Long-running serializations are popular these days – maybe they always have been.  We the viewers and/or readers get to watch our favorite characters come back time after time, and the businesses that produce those stories make a great deal of money off of those stories.  But do those things make these good stories?  Do they make these stories good?

What about stories that seem to run on forever?  What about stories that seem to end, but then continue?  What does it mean for a story or series if an earlier ending was more satisfying than the eventual Ending?

The first series I want to discuss is Supernatural, a highly successful series that has run for ten seasons. The show is about a pair of brothers who hunt ghosts, monsters, and other supernatural creatures. The first season of the show is focused on the brothers’ search for their father, who disappeared while hunting for the creature that killed their mother. They eventually find their father, the demon who killed their mother (as well as one brother’s lover), and they have the means to kill the demon, but they fail. The younger brother, Sam, refuses to kill the demon because it was possessing their father at the time. The season ends with Sam gathering his injured family and driving to a hospital, only to have a truck t-bone their car. The final shot has the camera panning up the front of the truck to show the driver, whose eyes are black with the tell-tale mark of demonic possession.

And I know it sounds weird, but I actually like that ending as an Ending for the series.

It’s not a happy Ending, but it tells an interesting story if the Story would have ended there. The brothers’ story is one of revenge: they’re trying to kill the thing that killed their mom. They have been doing that their entire lives. They never had a childhood; they spent their time training for when they got older and would be able to help their father hunt monsters. The series actually starts with Sam having broken with his family, and his older brother Dean brings him back into the family business to help find their father. But when they return, Sam’s lover is killed by supernatural causes, and he leaves with his brother to continue hunting.

At the end of the season, Sam is the one in the position to get revenge for all of them.  However, to do it he not only has to kill the monster that killed his mother, but also his father (whom Sam “dislikes”, to put it mildly). But he doesn’t – he can’t. He’s there, with his father fighting the possession and urging Sam to kill him and get revenge for them all, and Sam cannot do it. And the demon not only gets away, but the weakened and injured family is seemingly killed by one of the demon’s minions.

And that sucks as a happy ending, but what about as a parable for revenge? Their family’s quest for revenge took everything from them: their childhood, their sense of “normalcy”, any romantic relationship – everything. It’s not that they lost their lives – they never had lives to begin with. They had a mission, a quest. And that quest defined their lives, and stole everything else from them. Revenge defined and ruined their lives. And on top of all that, they still failed. They “died” in the end (The following 9 seasons show that they, of course, did not die. But for the sake of the discussion of this ending being the Ending, they die.)

And to top it all off, they failed because the only person in a position to get that revenge was the brother who wanted nothing to do with it anymore. He wanted a normal life, and his father’s love. They failed because Sam wanted his father more than he wanted revenge. That quest for revenge took everything from them, until Sam drew a line in the sand and refused to give any more.

Was Sam right? Is family more important than a quest for revenge? Must we draw the line when life asks us to give too much, even when it ends in tragedy? Or was Sam wrong? Did they fail because he was weak-willed and choked at the critical moment? Must we be willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the things we want the most? The Ending of season one is ambiguous to me with regards to those questions, and I like the ambiguity of it. I like Endings that make us think.

I still like the later seasons of the show, and the characters who appear in those seasons. Castiel is a personal favorite of mine, as well as the character development of Bobby, another hunter and family friend. But for the sake of the story, it would have set a hell of a tone for the show had it ended there. It would have said something; it would have asked some hard questions. But the following seasons each set their own tones, and the brothers deal with different moral themes as the show progresses. I feel like the message and questions of season one are muddied over the following decade. I like the ending of season one, and I enjoy the Story that Ends there, even as I enjoy the Story that continues past that point.

My next example for this topic is the Japanese animated show Sword Art Online.  To those who are unfamiliar, the premise of the story is that a newly released online virtual reality game, Sword Art Online (or SAO for short) traps the players inside it, preventing them from logging off.  The only way for them to return to the real world is to beat the game – however, anyone who dies in the game dies in real life.  The first season of the show is 25 episodes long and the first 14 are the story of the players’ adventures in SAO which occur over a period of two years.

In episode 14, the players defeat a difficult boss monster, but suffer numerous casualties.  The protagonist, a swordsman named Kirito, discovers that the mastermind behind trapping them in the game is one of the people traveling with them.  He challenges the villain to a duel, on two conditions.  First, all the players would be freed if Kirito won the duel.  Second, if Kirito lost, the villain would prevent Asuna, Kirito’s wife, from killing herself.  However, Asuna interrupts the duel and is killed.  In grief, Kirito attacks again, and the two kill each other.

Kirito is transported to a new zone to hear the announcement that the game has been cleared, and sees his wife there.  The two share a moment, while the world falls apart around them as the game ends.  Thinking that they died, Kirito is surprised when he awakens in a hospital bed.  Realizing he is alive, he thinks of his wife, slowly pulls his atrophied body from the hospital bed, and shambles down a hallway that fades into white, whispering her name.  The episode ends to soft music and the closing credits playing as he disappears into the hallway, looking for Asuna.

And DAMN that is satisfying.  The problem is:  that is episode 14 of 25.  There are nine more episodes to the show.  What happens in them?  Another fantasy adventure in another game, his cousin’s incestuous attraction towards him, and fairies.  Yes, they play a game where they are fucking fairies.  And while the eventual ending to the season is satisfying in many ways, it’s still inferior to the ending of episode 14 in my opinion – especially considering the eleven episodes the viewer must trudge through in order to get there.  The two story arcs feel so different, they might as well be two different seasons of the show, or even two completely different series.

I love that first ending.  I love watching him wake up and wondering for a moment if this was all a dream.  I love seeing determination drive someone with two years of muscle atrophy to struggle to stand, but stand anyway.  And he does it because he wants to see her again – he NEEDS to see her again, and see that she survived too.  And when he fades into white, I imagine a happy ending, one where he finds her safe, one where he makes a life with her, one where their two years of trials and suffering are rewarded.

Instead, we find out in the next episode that she, as well as a small percentage of other players, still have not woken up.  And there is a new quest, but what do we have to show for it?  Incest and fairies?  No, that is fucking unsatisfying.  Even the eventual ending of the season does not wash the bad taste out of my mouth.

I prefer the Ending that does not show me everything.  I prefer thinking that the death game these people played is the worst thing they would ever have to face.  But happy Endings at episode 14 does not make as much money as continuing the story for another eleven episodes.  They do not make as much money as bringing back the show for a second 25-episode season.  To me, the climax of that story has always been and will always be the end of episode 14.  The 36 episodes that follow…  I would sacrifice them all to have episode 14 as the Ending, and I would do so without a second thought.

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On Endings – Risk and Reward

Today I want to shift the discussion of Endings to a more economical aspect: risk and reward. In short, what are the heroes or heroines sacrificing and what do they obtain in exchange? What do they receive for what they gave up?

Are the protagonists reaping rewards they have not earned? Are they altruists who do not mourn the sacrifices necessary to save the day (or the world)? Or has the story found that sweet-spot where we the audience ask those very questions ourselves?

Was it all worth it, in the End?

For my first example, I would like to use an American classic:  The Lone Ranger.  In every episode, The Lone Ranger has a grand adventure, saves the day, and rides off into the sunset.  It’s all nice and pretty:  the eternal hero is always there to fight, to save the day.  But what does he get for his time and trouble?  Nothing, but the chance to serve again.  The eternal hero asks for nothing and gives everything.  And while that is a lovely dream, it’s hardly real.

What about a hero like Dr. Who?  He is another example of the “eternal hero”, but his story is very different from The Lone Ranger.  The Doctor’s story has tragedy. It has fear.  It has death.  The character himself is based on the premise that he can die, but he will regenerate and be reborn as someone new.  (I’m highly paraphrasing, of course.  It’s more complicated than that, but that is outside the scope of this conversation.)  But he can, he does, and he will die – time and time again.  What does that mean for him as a character?  What does that mean for us as an audience?

For all The Doctor has done, loving and losing, suffering tragedy and celebrating victory, is he really any more than a gladiator fighting in our television Colosseum?  Are we really any better than a vulgar mob, salivating in anticipation at his next victory, his next tragedy, his next loss or death?  The mythology of the character says that he can only regenerate a limited number of times, and (if I recall correctly) he has used his last one.  What happens to him now?  What will his next death bring?  Do we, as an audience, even care?

The character seems so tragic to me.  He is so widely popular, but we love him with such malicious glee.  But the Greeks explained that the difference between a comedy and a tragedy is whether or not the hero in question resolves the conflict that originally lead to their quest, and if the hero can reharmonize with the world.  If so, it is a comedy.  If not, it is a tragedy.  And since The Doctor’s story is yet unfinished, calling it tragic may be premature.  But there will be tears – I would bet on that.

Will it be worth it all in the End? Will everything he’s sacrificed and lost be balanced by all the joy he has gained – all the good he has done? Maybe it’s not even that kind of story. We must wait to see.

Finally, I want to discuss the Ending of Christopher Nolan’s final Batman film: The Dark Knight Rises. I won’t argue it is a perfect film – far from it. There are plot holes, and plenty of times when I wish things had been executed better. But I love the way the ending of the film ties the overarching storyline from all three movies together.

In the first film, Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne’s life is destroyed. His family is killed, and he wanders the world – lost and without purpose. He wants to fight evil, but does not know how to do so constructively. And by the end of the film, he discovers how to do that: become Batman. It’s a great origin story.

In the second film, The Dark Knight, we are shown the consequences of Wayne’s choice. We see how criminals are reacting now that they’re cornered, and the lengths some of them will go to in order to beat him. The Joker is especially of note – not merely because of the late Heath Ledger’s amazing portrayal of the character, but because The Joker GETS Batman. The only way to beat someone who has become a symbol is to fight them symbolically. It reminds me of a line from the movie The 13th Warrior: “War is in the will.” The Joker gets that, and proceeds to try and destroy Batman the best way he knows how. But he loses at the end of the film, because Batman makes the sacrifices necessary to protect the city and still maintain his ideals, even if they make him a pariah.

Then there is the third film.

And here we see the cost of the decisions made in “The Dark Knight”: Wayne is crippled from the physical exertions of his exploits as Batman, his company (his parents’ legacy) is in shambles, and he has become a recluse – holding parties which he does not even attend. But when a new threat appears, Wayne becomes Batman again, even though he no longer has the strength to fill the role. And he loses because of that. But he rediscovers that strength and returns to save the day at the end of the film. However, it seemingly costs him everything: his money, his company, his home…he even fakes his death at the end of the film so he metaphorically loses his life.

But what does he gain?

Batman is another version of the “eternal hero”, and his story is often told in a very similar way to The Lone Ranger. No matter how dire the straits, Batman saves the day, rides off into “the sunset”, and will return next time to save the city. But that is the way Nolan’s film differs from the other tellings of the story.

In Nolan’s story, Wayne’s final reward for being Batman is that he no longer HAS to be Batman.

Bruce begins his story of Batman from a place of vengeance and redemption. He’s trying take revenge on the kind of people who killed his parents, and make the world a better place (or counter the decline). His dedication to improving the world is what differentiates him from a mere avenger. He contrasts the violence he uses to fight with a rock-solid set of morals that allows him to operate honorably even as a vigilante. But he is still the “dark” knight. For all his virtues, he is not a paladin.

Bruce shackles himself to the past, a single tragedy that set the course of his life. But at the End of the Nolan films, Bruce escapes that cycle. Yes, he loses his money and social standing, but how much were they helping him? He used everything he had to further the mission of Batman. How much did he really care about those things in the first place? I doubt they meant much, since he walked away from them once already in the first film. Yes, Alfred leaves, but that is a positive event in the long term: his caretaker is gone, and Bruce has to grow up. He has to start living his life.

He also meets Selina Kyle in this film, and over the course of the film she gets to know him. At first, he’s a mark for one of her jobs. But by the end of the film, she becomes his ally, and knows some of his most guarded secrets. She is in fact the one to kill Bane, not Batman. She even argues with him in the final act of the movie, saying, “Come with me. Save yourself. You don’t owe these people any more. You’ve given them EVERYTHING.” She’s seen what he’s done, and is trying to save him from his self-imposed burden. How many people have tried to save Batman? And the final time we see her is with Bruce, when Alfred sees the two of them together at a cafe.

So what does Wayne lose? His money, his social standing, his mission, his surrogate parent – every keystone of his life.

But what does he gain? He gets…his life back. He’s free from the burdens of the things he lost – those obligations are gone. And in the last scene we see him, he’s with someone who sees him for who he is, knows his secrets, accepts his past, and is trying to build a life with him.

Batman was born when a young boy lost his family. Nolan’s story of Batman Ends when a man makes his own life and creates his own family. The story of Bruce Wayne goes full circle – and the wrongs that created an avenger are rectified. Bruce Wayne reharmonizes with the world. The story Ends, and he seems happy.

And I like that Ending. I like that the reward for a life’s work is not more work, but rest. Like a quote from the movie Hero starring Jet Lee, “A warrior’s ultimate act is to lay down his sword.” The war ends, the hero gets to go home.

Happy Ending.

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On Endings – Happily Ever After

The concept of “Happily Ever After” is a common theme in stories.  The heroes or heroines complete their quest and are rewarded with long, happy lives.  Sometimes the viewers are shown the cliffsnotes of that happy future, while other times we are merely left to imagine what has happened to our protagonists.  The story trails off like a sentence whose completion we forget mid-speech.

But sometimes these fade-away Endings don’t leave us satisfied.  Sometimes they do not answer all of our questions (or any, in rare cases).  Sometimes the story trails off not because it is the End, but because the writers and producers want to give the viewers a reason to return the following season.  It’s not an Ending, nor an ending – it’s bait.

Are these proper Endings to stories?  Should we the viewers be given all of the answers?  Or must we earn the truth through critical thinking and analysis?  Do unpopular stories deserve to End without rewarding those who did stick with the show?

What the hell is up with Endings that are, and are not, Endings?

The first story I want to discuss is the movie Inception.  It’s the story of a group of people who dive into others’ minds and attempt to discover secrets.  The protagonist of the movie is a man named Cobb, who has been doing this work while on the run from the law as a suspect in his wife’s death.  He wants nothing more than to be able to return home and see his children.  The client for the final job in the film promises that he will clear the charges against Cobb if Cobb and his team perform an “inception”: the implanting of an idea in someone’s subconscious in such a way that they believe the idea to be original, not planted.

Those dream divers like Cobb carry something with them at all times called a totem, which they use to differentiate between reality and the fantasy of the dream world.  Throughout the film, Cobb is seen spinning a top to test whether or not he is dreaming.  If the top continues to spin endlessly, he knows he is dreaming.  If the top falls over, he knows he’s awake and in the real world.  At the end of the film, Cobb and his team complete their job, the charges against Cobb are cleared, and he is allowed to go home to see his children.  But just before he goes out to see them, he pulls out the top and spins it.  He then leaves the room, but the camera remains focused on the top.  And just when it appears that the top may be starting to slow down and fall, the screen goes to black, and the viewer is left wondering if the Ending is real or another dream.

This isn’t typically what we mean when we refer to the Ending of a story as “Happily Ever After”, but we, the viewers, are still left imagining what is in store for Cobb.  Did he finally get to go home to his family, or was it all a dream?  The Ending is left to our imagination – or is it?

One of the core principles of a totem is that you are supposed to keep yours with you at all times, and never give it to anyone.  The reasoning for this is that if someone else knows how a person’s totem works, they could influence it in the dream world.  They could make someone believe they are awake even though they are still dreaming.  But earlier in the film, it is shown that the top Cobb is using was previously used by his wife.  It violates that rule.  But I have read articles that suggest that the top is, in fact, not Cobb’s totem.

Throughout the film, Cobb also plays with his wedding ring, and the articles I read observed that Cobb only wears his ring in the dream world.  It is never present in the real world.  If that is true, then it is Cobb’s true totem, and the top is a deception – both to the viewer, and to the other members of his team.  And the question of whether or not Cobb is able to finally return home to his children at the End of the movie is answer by whether or not he’s wearing his ring.  The “Happily Ever After” Ending we are left to imagine is also deceptive – there is an Ending to the film, the final question is answered.

But I won’t tell you the answer – you’ll have to watch the Ending yourself.

The next kind of “Happily Ever After” I want to discuss is the kind of Ending that is left open in order to allow for a sequel to the story.  If it Ends there, we have our Story. We may have questions like with Inception, but we do have an “Ending”.  But if a sequel is financed, then we will have more story.  Otherwise, we are left with an open Ending, and must use our imagination to fill in the details.

This is often the case with television series.  Their seasons sometimes end with a hook that will keep viewers motivated to return for a following season.  And the show I would like to discuss is the BBC show Sherlock (a modern reimagining of Sherlock Holmes).  Specifically, I want to discuss the ending of season 2 (or series 2, as the British call it).

At the end of that series, Sherlock’s nemesis Moriarty has cornered Sherlock and put him in a position where Moriarty tries to influence Holmes to kill himself.  If Holmes refuses or takes too long to decide, Moriarty will have Holmes’ closest friends killed.  Moriarty even goes so far as to kill HIMSELF to prevent Holmes from tricking him into revealing anything that would get Holmes out of the situation.  Holmes makes one last phone call to John Watson, his closest friend and partner, before leaping from the roof.  The last scene of the episode and series is that of Holmes’ friends standing over his grave, and John makes a final request for Sherlock to make one more miracle – to pull one more trick and not be dead.  With tears in his eyes, John walks away, and the camera shows a very alive Sherlock Holmes standing in the distance watching his friends as they stand over his “grave”.

Now, it was never in question that a show as popular as Sherlock would be getting a sequel.  We would see what happened.  But that is not always the case with stories.  There was an American vampire show called Moonlight which ended in a similar way: the loose ends of the season were tied up, only to have the final scene of the season, and ultimately the series, be one that hints that the story has just begun.  But that show was not renewed for another season, and the viewers never got a conclusion to the story.  That ending ended up being the Ending for the story.

And while I think it’s a good way to sell another season of a show, keeping the ending of a story hostage to the whims of television financing feels a bit cruel to the viewers.  Sometimes we find out what happens.  Other times, we never get a proper Ending.  We are left with only questions that our imaginations must struggle to answer.

And while that’s not very happy, it is our Ever After for these cut-short stories. It’s sometimes the only Ending we will ever get.  And isn’t that just a little sad?

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On Endings

Over the next few weeks I’ll be posting my musings on film and series Endings.  I’m a fan of Endings, and I think the final Ending to a series or franchise is incredibly important to the overarching story.  This discussion will be open to not only films and television series, but also books.

It should go without saying, but…  Since this is a discussion of Endings, there will be spoilers in these posts.  Understand that continuing to read could/will spoil the ending of a movie or series.  I will try to avoid discussing anything that ended within the past few months, but ANYTHING and EVERYTHING from 2014 and prior should be considered fair game.  You have been warned.

The topics I’ve decided on for my discussion of Endings are:  the Neverending Story (long-running serializations and their effect on Endings), Happily Ever After (open-Ended stories), and Risk and Reward (a discussion of the worth of an Ending based on what the protagonist/s gained and lost).

First things first though, why am I capitalizing the word “Ending”?  I’m doing that to distinguish it as the final Ending for a story.  I am referring not to season endings, but series endings.  I’ll be talking at length about the ending of the last movie of a trilogy, series, or franchise, though I may reference earlier endings in my discussion of the ending of the last film and the Ending of the story.

In short, I will use “ending” when referring to a singular ending, and I will use “Ending” for the final Ending of the story and its characters.

So why all the fuss about endings or Endings or whatever?  Well, frankly, it’s because I want to talk about it.  I have opinions on certain Endings, and I wanted to discuss them without dedicating a single post to each story. But~ I’m going to do that anyway.

Because I love stories, and I always have. So for the next few weeks I’m going to talk about a few of them, and I hope you enjoy.

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What’s in the cards

At one business I like to frequent, there are two sets of cards sitting on a counter.  These cards have virtues written on them like “patience” or “endurance”, “clarity” or “love”.  And every time I’m there, I like to pull a card from each set as a kind of augury – fortune-telling.  And the night I’m writing this, I pulled the cards “truth” and “desire”.

Well fuck me running.*

The moment I looked at them I felt a tingling in my belly, a feeling that tonight they were not just idle cards.  I felt that they carried a message, moreso** than normal.  But the problem is, I favor perspectives, and I could see multiple messages in those cards.

First, I could see the message of “a desire for truth”, and that fits me to a t.  I’ve always been the kind of person who preferred pursuing truth over happiness.***  I would ponder things until I was unhappy, simply because I wanted to know and understand and did not care how the search for truth affected me.  So in that way, the cards could have been calling me out, and saying my name.

But I also saw a message in the cards about “the truth of a desire”, and that did not sit well with me.  Because there’s someone I feel romantically attracted to these days, and I wondered if the message in the cards was a challenge or command:  “Tell her how you feel!”  Is that what the cards were trying to tell me?

Or is it more complicated still?  Is the message “a desire for the truth about a desire”?  Does that mean I want to tell her, and that’s what I’m seeing in the cards?  Does it mean I want to find out what she feels about me?  Again, should I tell her?  Because, historically, I don’t have a very good record with confessions.  And telling a woman that you’re asking her out because magic cards told you to do it…is crazy talk.  I acknowledge that.****  But I want to know what she’d say – God, do I want to know.

So I thought about it the hour or so I was there.  I tossed it around and around and around inside my head just trying to make sense of it.  What did I really want?  Did I really have a chance with her?  She’s beautiful and talented, and I feel worlds’ awkward with my ridiculous-feeling crush.

Stupid fucking cards – you can just go to hell.

I even spoke to the woman at the attendance desk about this – who handled it quite well because she already knows about my peculiarities with the cards.  But I was fishing for help wherever I could find it, and despite chatting about the cards for a few minutes, our conversation yielded no great revelations.*****  I had been hopeful, but not overly so.  No one else would give me the answer to my question – I had to decide for myself.

So I did not tell her how I felt.  I probably won’t, ever.  Why?  Because the truth of my desire is that I do not have a future with a woman who wears a ring on the fourth finger of her left hand.******  I do not have the right to go snooping around to find out whether or not that ring means what I think it means.  If I care about her, about anyone, I should wish them happiness, and not try to build my own by risking theirs.  I can be her friend, but nothing else.  It’s just not in the cards.*******

And what about my desire for truth?  Well, apparently I need to get laid.  And life seemed to enjoy slapping me in the face with that tonight.

Revelation!  Now let’s go drinking.********

 

* Yes, I do talk like that in real life.  This phrase means bad, bad things have happened or will happen very soon.  How bad?  It’s a you-open-a-door-and-see-the-polar-bear-from-“Lost” level of bad.  Just start running.

** Not correct, but I love this word-that-is-not-a-real-word.  Ain’t it just the best?

*** Also, I am an idiot.

**** I also acknowledge that this would still not top my worst date list.  I have mis-dated SPECTACULARLY.

***** Other than that the cards are a reflection of me, and in that regard they are a pretentious, know-it-all, son-of-a-bitch.  As am I, from time to time.

****** “Wait, are you saying you’re crushing on a married woman?!”  Wait, are you saying you didn’t read ***?

****** I am sure I am going to hell for something in this post, though I’m not sure if it’s Hell hell or pun hell.  I’ll settle for whichever is the lesser of two weevils.

******* Why do I keep using so many footnotes?  I blame that vodka I imbibed earlier.  I usually drink bourbon, but it’s a vodka kind of night.

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On depression and Depression, part 3

Today I complete my discussion of depression and Depression.  Last time, I went into depth about what it was like for me to live with, and through, Depression.  Today I’m going to talk about what I did to get myself out of that place, and why I made those choices.  I warn you in advance, this topic may be highly triggering to some.  If you are worried it may trigger you, please consider leaving.

I would like to state that I am by no means an expert or a professional on this particular topic.  I am speaking from personal experience and opinion.  Please do not take my words as any kind of gospel – form your own opinions on these topics and take whatever steps you feel necessary to address them.  On the topic of Depression especially, I strongly encourage anyone who is severely depressed or suicidal to talk to others and seek council if they are suffering to that extent.

So what did I do to get myself out of depression?

The short answer is:  nothing.  I had no plan at all.  I did nothing special, and I made a lot of poor choices along my way out.  I had my reasons, and I got out alright in the end – but I also acknowledge that I may have had a better, smoother, or faster recovery had I made different choices.

So what choices did I make?  What options did I see that I did not pursue, and why did I decline to do so?  I’ve had a couple of years to take stock of my choices, and analyze which ones did and did not help me.  I’ve had time to think over what I could have done, and what I would recommend to someone else in my circumstances – or to someone who knows someone in such straits.

So here are the options as I see them.

Option 1:  Therapy, with or without medication
The big elephant in the room, the first obvious choice, is therapy.  Find a professional and talk to them about your problems.  Consider medication if they suggest it.

These people are professionals trained to diagnose and treat mental health issues.  They are doctors of the mind, and will be able to provide a level of experience and expertise that can be matched by few.  And medication can help balance out or alleviate the emotional distress of Depression.  For people who are suicidally depressed especially, the options of therapy and medication cannot be ignored.

But some people don’t feel comfortable pursuing this option.  They may feel uncomfortable talking with a shrink.  They may be opposed to taking medication.  And this resistance can range from discomfort or avoidance of the topic to full-blown shouting matches.  So how do you convince someone to see a therapist or take medication?

I have no clue – I was one of those who was staunchly against therapy, and even more opposed to medication.  For me, I did not want the social stigma of therapy.  I didn’t want to feel like I’d failed to take care of myself.  I wanted friends to listen to my problems and help me – I didn’t want to pay some stranger to listen to me.  I felt that taking medication would turn me into a different person, and that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back to myself.  Additionally, I did not want a perceived “black mark” on my medical history.  I was afraid that seeing a therapist would get me classified as “damaged.”  And fear is (by nature) irrational, but my fears had a logical basis.

I live in the US, a country that spent the past few years debating changes about our healthcare system.  One of the aspects of these changes was how “preexisting conditions” were treated – and that was important to me.  I did not want to begin seeing a therapist, only to have the law change on me, and now my medical record contains information that I’d been treated for Depression.  I was worried that such a thing could happen, and if it did, that it would have severe and lasting repercussions on my life.  Like I said, irrational.  But there’s a logic behind that fear, and I don’t think my concerns were entirely unfounded.

But please consider this:  I, who was opposed to therapy for myself, am still listing and recommending it as an option for people.  I did not personally want to pursue it, but it may be the correct choice for someone else.  We’re all different; what did not work for me may work for someone else.  I want to present a balanced set of options to allow people to make an informed decision, as well as address any fears that someone may have that they’ve been unable to convey.

In the end, it’s still the choice of the person who is Depressed – provided they’re of sound mind to make the decision.  Someone suffering from severe suicidal or homicidal urges is not of sound mind to make this choice.  But if someone is opposed to any choice, do not treat it as gospel to be repeated until someone converts, because that could leave someone who’s already suffering feeling alienated.  They may shut people out, hide whatever they’re truly feeling, and the results of such repression could be disastrous as well.

So if someone does not wish for therapy and/or medication, what are the other options?

Option 2:  same kind of help, different source
So what does that mean?  That means looking at the benefits of what therapy and medication provide, and getting those benefits from different means.

A major part of therapy is talking – giving someone a safe place to open up about their problems in a non-judgemental environment.  People are social creatures by nature.  Isolation is bad, especially extended isolation.  So giving someone who’s suffering from Depression a place, person, or people where they can be safe and talk about what’s bothering them without fear of judgement is important.  This is critical for anyone choosing this option – that cannot be understated.

As for a medication substitute…well, I’m gonna burst a few peoples’ bubbles right now – no, I am not recommending you self-medicate with home remedies or recreational drugs.  I think that’s a rather bad idea in fact.  Don’t do it.  But I think medication treatments do two things at a very basic level:  they affect our body chemistry and they stabilize our moods.  What other activities also do that?

For body chemistry, exercise is the first choice that comes to mind.  Endorphins are a hell of a mood booster, and exercising outside exposes us to sunlight – a great source of vitamin D.  No, I don’t think it’s fun either, and you’ll get sweaty while you work out, but it’s still good advice.  There are plenty of options as well:  weightlifting, running, bicycling, dancing, yoga, Zumba…  If you’re unsure what would be a good fit, keep trying them until you find one that feels good.  And added benefits of exercise are weight loss and body toning – which could bolster someone’s confidence and feelings of self-worth.

The options for mood stabilizers are a little narrower, but things like exercise can still help.  Exercise and other physical activities provide an outlet for the restless energy that often accompanies mood spikes.  People could also take up activities like meditation to help ground that restlessness.  Other activities like painting, writing, and playing or listening to music can also serve as outlets and stabilizers.  So run, bike, jog – hell, just go for walks.  Get your zen on to some relaxing music.  Take up painting, drawing, or some other creative hobby.  Find something that makes you happy, that pulls you up instead of dragging you down.

Given the opinions I stated about therapy, it’s safe to say that I favor the second option in my life.  And I practiced and continue to practice many of the things I suggested.  I exercise as regularly as I can.  I go for walks when the weather is nice.  I go to yoga and meditation classes – and found some in my area that are either free or donation driven.  I listen to music that inspires me.  I write, and have been writing for several years.

But what I did not do – that I am recommending for those who are suffering – is that I did not find people to open up to about my problems.  I tried, but I did not find people who could give me the kind of support I was looking for.  Part of the problem was the high demands I was making on them for support.  Another part of the problem was that they had their priorities in different areas.  And it does not make them villains to say, “Sorry, but we have our own problems that we need to deal with.”  But I put all my eggs in one basket, and it cost me dearly when that bet did not pay dividends.

And it’s because of that lack of social support I still consider the choice of therapy, even now when my emotional and psychological state is far more stable than it used to be.  I never stopped considering it.  But I had people in my life who treated that choice like it was the only choice – and I shut them out because I felt that they could not or would not empathize with me and my situation.  I felt that to them it was “my way or the highway.”  And like many-a-fool before me, I told them, “Highway,” and I got hurt because of that choice.  I carry scars because of that choice.  But I made a choice I was comfortable with, did not listen to the advice of those who I felt did not listen to me, and I found my own way out.

And to me that meant everything.  It meant rebuilding my self-respect by not dismissing my thoughts and feelings simply because others believed strongly.  It means going on a healing journey, and knowing neither the path nor the destination.  I found a path and forged a strength all my own.  But it took time – it took a long, long time.  Which brings me to my closing option.

Option 3:  Time
I said earlier in my posts that people suffering from Depression cannot simply wait it out.  I described it as a season, but not like one on a calendar.  It had no set beginning or ending, or none it feels like publicly sharing.  But regardless of what choices someone who’s suffering makes, the reality is that it will take time to heal.  Waiting will not fix them, yet time must still pass for them to heal.  And that paradox is one that I got hung up upon myself.  Because I did not realize something.

It’s not how long it takes that is important.  What is important is how we fill our days.  The people we meet, the conversations we have, the things we do, and the things we share…  All of these are what helps to fill the void created by Depression.  So in the end, all we have is time – and each other.

So if you know someone who is suffering, please be kind.  Be considerate.  Listen to them.  Perhaps you may be the first, or only, person to do that.  And it will mean the world to them.

Make time for the people who are important to you.  Show them that they matter to you, especially when they most feel like they do not matter at all.

And if you yourself are suffering, dear reader – then I say to you:  Oh my brother, my sister, my friend – I know your pain.  I know it well.  You are not alone.  You have not been forgotten.  Don’t give up.  Be brave.  Stay strong.  Keep fighting.  It will get better.

I promise you:  it will get better.

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On depression and Depression, part 2

Today I continue my discussion of depression and Depression.  Last time, I described and defined my distinction between the two terms.  Today I will go in depth about what it was like for me to live with, and through, Depression.  I warn you in advance, this post will get dark before the end and may be highly triggering to some.

I would like to state that I am by no means an expert or a professional on this particular topic.  I am speaking from personal experience and opinion.  Please do not take my words as any kind of gospel – form your own opinions on these topics and take whatever steps you feel necessary to address them.  On the topic of depression especially, I strongly encourage anyone who is severely depressed or suicidal to talk to others and seek council if they are suffering to that extent.

So what happened to me?  I think several things served as the trigger for my bouts of Depression.  I have been in poor financial straits for the past five years.  I have had two six-month stints on unemployment – with only an eight-month period of employment separating them.  I have been living on my own during that time, without any roommates to reduce rent or any of the other costs associated with living.  I did not earn enough at my jobs in the past five years to add into my savings.  And I needed to tap my savings so aggressively while unemployed that I have effectively exhausted them.  I have only been able to continue living my current lifestyle because of significant financial assistance from my family over the past year.  And I am well aware that their assistance has an expiration date that is growing closer every day.

During the same period of five years, I have been involved in several bad or toxic relationships.  Some were romantic, some were friendships, but all of them were relationships that felt like they took more from me than they gave.  I will not play blame games here, however.  I myself was not innocent of being toxic as well.  I desperately looked to certain people for help, and was not kind when they were unable or unwilling to help me.  But dwelling on that also serves no useful point.  It is sufficient to say that there was love and friendship, loss and pain – and those things affected me.

I have also been unhappy at work during that span of years.  And while I’m hardly the only person who has worked a job they did not like, the addition of that feeling to the rest of the stressors cannot be ignored or excused.  Like I said previously, Depression makes some things that would ordinarily be easy to bear feel insurmountable.

And then there is my very nature.  I may favor hope, and even speak optimistically at times, but I am also a realist.  I have no fear of calling a spade a spade.  And when I am in a bad situation, I tend to fixate on it.  I see it as a problem, and I try to solve it.  That can be a very useful survival tool.  It can also mean that I spend entirely too long thinking about things that leave me in a very negative mindset.  And like a well-worn trail, it becomes easier for me to return to those roads – far too easy sometimes.

All these factors coalesced into a very severe season of Depression during my first term of unemployment (August 2012 through January 2013).  I was depressed and lethargic.  I stayed up late and rose later.   I played video games and binge-watched Netflix as often as I could just to take my mind off how awful I felt.  I did not date; I did not socialize.  I went nowhere, and I did as close to nothing as I could.

I was waiting to die.

I went to bed many nights hoping I would not wake up the next morning.  And every following morning I awoke to have my first thoughts be disappointment at having survived.  It was slow, passive suicide.  I was executing myself one day at a time, cutting into my heart and my confidence.  I did not believe I deserved to live.  I did not believe I deserved to be loved.  I did not want to live, but lacked the motivation to take a proactive solution to my Depression.

In retrospect, that was a good thing, but at the time I despaired at what I believed to be a weakness of resolve – and that despair further fueled my descent.

That period of Depression also included what I personally refer to as “The worst day of my life.”  It was the seventh day of a week in December that began with me discovering that I had not received any payments from the unemployment office for six weeks.  And while I did eventually resolve that dispute, it set the tone for the coming seven days.  And the first night of that week ended with me curled up on the couch, gripping my arm to force myself to sit still, and telling myself two things:

“I want to go in the kitchen and stuff myself stupid with ice cream, but it’s almost bedtime and I should not eat that way so close to bedtime.  Besides, the ice cream is close to the knife block.”

“I want to go into the kitchen and grab a knife from the block and kill myself.  But I should not do that, because it is a permanent solution to a short-term problem and things will get better.  Besides, the knife block is close to the ice cream.”

I’m sometimes grimly amused at my own, random humor.  Because no matter what has happened to me, I have at least not lost my laughter – then or now.

But thus began the week in which I had “The worse day of my life.”  I don’t have the heart to share the day itself – it is still something I cannot talk about.  However, I do feel comfortable sharing my feelings at the start of the week.  I think there’s value in sharing them, even two years later.

I’m sharing them for the sappy, Hallmark-card reason of telling people that it gets better.  I hit rock-bottom that week, and it got ugly.  But that was more than two years ago.  I’m stronger now – and far, FAR more stable.  I fell, to a great extent, and I survived.  I never hurt myself, I never hurt anyone else, and I got better.

But that is what Depression was like for me.  It was pain and rage.  It was weariness and longing for relief.  It was wishing death upon myself.  It was a terrible, horrible season of my life that I survived by the combination of a miracle and the fact that I am far stronger than I knew.  Because if I were a lesser man, I would not have lived through that.  Not that night, nor that season.

But how did I survive it?  What did I do to make it out?  What can we do to help a friend or loved one suffering through a similar situation?  I’ll discuss that in the third and final part of my discussion of depression and Depression.

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On depression and Depression, part 1

Today I would like to talk about a topic that hits emotionally close to home:  depression and Depression.  I warn you in advance, these posts will get dark before the end and may be triggering to some.  If you are worried it may trigger you, please consider leaving.

I would like to state, as I will be wont to do with topics such as this, that I am by no means an expert or a professional on this particular topic.  I am speaking from personal experience and opinion.  Please do not take my words as any kind of gospel – form your own opinions on these topics and take whatever steps you feel necessary to address them.  On the topic of depression especially, I strongly encourage anyone who is severely depressed or suicidal to talk to others and seek council if they are suffering to that extent.

Firstly, why am I listing two words with the only difference being the capitalization of the first letter?  I do this to distinguish between moments, even prolonged ones, of emotional sorrow – and a serious condition with long-lasting ramifications.  If that’s not clear, perhaps think of it as the difference between telling someone, “I love you,” and telling someone, “I Love you.”  The capitalization of “Depression” is meant to illustrate a difference of magnitude between the two.

So, what do I mean by “depression” then?  By example, depression is feeling sad all day because you received a notice informing you that you didn’t get the job.  And depression is being grumpy and moody for a few days because you found out your crush is seeing someone, or just does not like you.  It’s like a storm – it blows in and casts a pall over your life for a “relatively” brief period of time.  That could be a few hours, a few days, or perhaps even a few weeks, depending on the cause.  The important point is that “depression” has both a cause and an ending – you’re sad or upset because ‘X’, ‘Y’, or ‘Z’ happened, you process it, and eventually recover.

Depression is a whole ‘nother beast, in both intensity and duration.  Unlike “depression”, “Depression” may not have a clear or singular cause.  There may be many causes that trigger the feeling. Additionally, its impact on your life is further-reaching than depression.  In depression, you may be upset about your love life and question if you’ll ever find someone who will make you happy.  In many ways, that’s a natural and healthy reaction to rejection.  Depression, however, is more like feeling that you will never find love, or question if you deserve to be loved.

To take an aside for a moment…if that thought resonates strongly with you – yes, I do think you deserve to be loved. And no, you don’t have to do anything special to deserve love.  I wanted to say that before moving on.

But to go back to the topic at hand, I described depression as a storm – it blows through and affects your life for a time.  By comparison, Depression is a season – it is longer-lasting and sets the tone for all the storms that descend upon your life.  An event that would be manageable under normal circumstances becomes unbearable during Depression.  And unlike a calendar season, a season of Depression does not have a definite ending.  We do not have a date for when everything will get better.  We cannot merely weather the worst until spring returns.  The storm, and the season, must be challenged and overcome.  But the methods on how to do that are something I will discuss in detail in a later post.

I would like to give one final explanation of “Depression”, one that was given to me at one point as an example of what it feels like to cope with any severe or chronic mental (or physical) illness.  It is called the Spoon Theory.  (No, I’m not making that up – it’s really called that).

So what is it?  Rather than attempt to redefine it myself, I will quote the Wikipedia article on the topic, with one small spelling correction, below:

The spoon theory is a model used by some disabled people and people with chronic illness to describe their everyday living experience when their disability or illness results in a reduced amount of energy available for productive tasks. Spoons are an intangible unit of measurement used to track how much energy a person has throughout a given day. Each activity “costs” a certain number of spoons, which might not be replaced until the next day. A person who runs out of spoons loses the ability to do anything other than rest. One of the tenets of the spoon theory is that disabled or ill people must plan their activities to ensure that every day is manageable, while healthy people have a “never-ending supply of spoons” and thus never need to worry about running out. Because healthy people do not feel the impact of spending spoons, they may not realize that chronically ill or disabled people’s considerations include mundane tasks such as bathing and getting dressed.

I’m a fan of using this as a description of what it’s like to live with Depression, or any chronic illness.  It illustrates the heavy toll of living with such a condition, as well as the weariness that accompanies managing it.  And it does so in clear, tangible terms.  A healthy person might have a hundred spoons work with in a day, or perhaps a thousand.  Someone who is afflicted may only have half that, or even less.  It serves to show that people who are Depressed are not simply wallowing in negativity – they may just not have enough energy to do everything that’s needed to get themselves out of that situation.

So why spend so much time defining and describing “depression” and “Depression”?  In part, I wanted to share my thoughts on a subject I view of high importance.  I feel that discussing topics such as these builds knowledge and encourages compassion in our interactions with those personally involved.  And the world can always use more compassion.  But I also wanted to talk about this because I have a personal story to tell.

I have been Depressed.  I have been, at times, severely and suicidally Depressed.  And I wanted to share my story, rather than hide it for fear of being judged or misunderstood.  Because I think it’s important to share my story – because I think when sorrow is shared, when stories are told, the pain becomes easier to manage.  I want to share it because I believe that my story could serve as a lesson to others, a chance to learn.  And it would please me greatly if you would continue to read and hear my story.  Please check in next time for part two of my discussion of depression and Depression.

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Jargon

I came across a post on social media recently talking about the negative aspects of business jargon, and it got me thinking.  I remembered an online comic creator who spoke against a video game because he did not like the terminology unique to that game – something I would describe as jargon.  So what is jargon?  Is it good or bad?

So to begin, what is the definition of jargon?  I searched for it on Dictionary.com and here are the definitions I found:

noun
1. the language, especially the vocabulary, peculiar to a particular trade, profession, or group: medical jargon.

2. unintelligible or meaningless talk or writing; gibberish.

3. any talk or writing that one does not understand.

4. pidgin.

5. language that is characterized by uncommon or pretentious vocabulary and convoluted syntax and is often vague in meaning.

Now before I start analyzing those definitions, what the eff is pidgin?!  I’d never seen that word before and had to look it up.  It means:

noun
1. an auxiliary language that has come into existence through the attempts by the speakers of two different languages to communicate and that is primarily a simplified form of one of the languages, with a reduced vocabulary and grammatical structure and considerable variation in pronunciation.

2. (loosely) any simplified or broken form of a language, especially when used for communication between speakers of different languages.

Huh, so that’s neat.  Taking that into consideration, how would I define jargon?

  1. Jargon is language specific to a group or trade.
  2. Jargon is simplified language meant to facilitate quick communication.
  3. Jargon is nonsensical language meant to obfuscate meaning in order to bolster a perceived respectability of the speaker.

Now, one of those definitions doesn’t seem like it belongs with the others, does it?  I’ll address that shortly.  But as for the first two definitions…

Firstly, jargon is used to define things specific to a situation that may not be relevant outside of that set of circumstances.  And I think many communities have jargon.  In my opening paragraph, I mentioned someone disliking jargon associated with a video game.  Gaming in general has a lot of jargon:  tank-and-spank, instance, DKP, deeps, kite, peel, ranged ADC…  Each of those words or phrases has a precise meaning that people who’ve those played games would understand.  But to anyone else?  Non-gamers might not understand a single term on that list.  Gamers who have not played games with those terms would not understand them either.  But everything on that list means something.  And when someone says that in a game, they do it sometimes not only because it is the “official” term, but because that term is used to shorten a long explanation to a much shorter one.

Gaming is not the only community that uses jargon, merely one with which I have frequently interacted.  I remember reading an online article talking about the jargon of airport tower controllers.  I’m sure the medical field has a great deal of jargon.  I’m sure most fields and communities have at least some jargon.  And in all those instances, it means something.  It fulfills the basic requirement of language:  communication, the conveyance of meaning.  Even if we personally do not understand what that meaning is, it does not mean that meaning is absent.

But that only addresses the first two of my three personal definitions.  What of the third?  My third definition postulates jargon as something that we not only do not understand, but as something that may not have a meaning at all.  It does not facilitate communication – at least, not in a positive way.  That kind of jargon does not help us understand how to insert Tab A into Slot B.  That kind of jargon expresses only one point:  listen to me, think well of me, love me…  It is language meant to express a desire for affection, but also to hide the speaker’s motive.  It is language that is not language.  It communicates that it does not want to really communicate.  It tells us what, but cannot bear to let us know why.

So, to return to my original question, is jargon good or bad?

Language is the means by which we communicate, and jargon that enables us to do so cannot be bad.  Even if we do not understand, that does not mean the words are bad.  It just means that our world has not yet encountered sailors from those strange shores.  Or if we have, then we have not yet shared enough drinks with them to begin to untwist their wild tongue.

But what about language that does not help us understand each other?  I cannot believe that that is a good thing.  Even if I manage to understand that someone is using that kind of jargon on me, even if I understand that they just want me to think well of them, how can I respect someone who will not speak honestly?  How can I respect their desperation, their feelings of inadequacy?

If you want to talk to me, ask.  If you want me to think well of you, tell me your story.  If you want me to respect you, be able to tell me what something you said means.  If you cannot do that because what you said and what you feel are not synonymous , don’t lie to me.  Don’t deceive me.  I can take it.  Honestly, I can.  So just…talk to me.  Talk with me.  Don’t babel, speak.

Is jargon good or bad?  That depends on us.  Our intentions decide that.  Language is not good or bad.  But the human heart?  The heart is a place where good or bad can thrive.  And it is our hearts that flavor the words spilling from our lips – and that is as true of jargon as it is for anything else.